Paris J'Adore

Paris J'adore
 You are called city of lights.
Today, Terrorists sought to extinguish your light.

These humans do not realize you cannot extinguish the flames of freedom.
You cannot extinguish the light of hope.
You cannot extinguish the light and love that now illuminates you from around the globe.




Prions pour la paix au Paris et au monde
Pray for Peace in Paris and in the world.

What would you tell your younger self

I had my students write down if they could go back in time what would they tell their younger selves. So it got me to thinking what would I tell my 9th grade self. So this is what I would tell my younger self. Don't worry about finding a boyfriend, don't worry so much about fitting in. Enjoy your time with your mom because she'll be taken from you way too soon. You're unique, you're an individual. Study hard, you'll go to JC first but you'll find yourself and see some people in a new light. Keep following the GIANTS they'll win not only one World Series but 3. You're going to follow in your grandmother's footsteps and become a teacher. You will lose touch with your friends after college and that's okay, you'll make new friends and develop new interests along the way. You're not rich but you'll own your mom's home after she passes. You'll always have cats Don't let anyone take you for granted, push you around, tell you you're fat. Be yourself even if you don't know who that is yet. Don't be afraid to fall in love though God knows I was and still am. Be more outgoing fake it until you make it.

Who Will be in Front of You at the Pearly Gates?

Luke 9:48 [Jesus]  said to them, “Whoever receives this child in my name receives me, andwhoever receives me receives him who sent me. For he who is least among you all is the one who is great.” John 10:16 "And other sheep I have, which are not of this fold: them also I must bring, and they shall hear my voice; and there shall be one fold, [and] one shepherd." 

Our minister Father Rob posed a question to us this Sunday "Who will be in front of you at the Pearly Gates?" He asked us this in the context of the prejudice that exists in all of us. . Racism is the most common and laziest form of prejudice. To judge people by the color of their skin. Of course, having just visited the South Father Rob concentrated on the prejudice that still exists against African Americans 47 years after the Civil Rights Movement. My mind went back 73 years to Executive Order 9066 when prejudice against Japanese Americans lead to their imprisonment in Internment Camps for the duration of WWII.Racism exists in a post 911 world against Muslims and against any from the Middle East. Father Rob also posed the question "Will you be scandalized by who that person is in front of you at the Pearly Gates?" In the 1940s there were undoubtedly some who would be scandalized that a Japanese or Japanese American or German or Italian might be in front of them at the Pearly Gates. In the 1960s a white southerner might be scandalized that an African American would stand before them in line at the Pearly Gates. There's a joke that says "The fact that there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers." Our own prejudice allows us to assume that we will be on the stairway to heaven and that those who have opposed our views will be on the highway to hell. Carolyn Myss in her CDs Entering the Castle which is based on the works of Saint Theresa of Avilla shows two different ways of looking at the same situation. Suppose you saw someone with everything you think you want, money, fame and fortune and then you find out that person in a past life or several past lives was a serial killer. You would think How unfair! Why should this person be rewarded for their bad behavior? However, if you look at it through the eyes of a mystic you think what better way than to have others who are reliant upon them. She goes on to use the analogy of Jacob Marley in the Christmas Carol burden by chains in the afterlife. She says the more weight you carry around with you the longer you have to wait to reach the next level. The weight we carry around are our prejudices. Certainly race is a prejudice we most easily identify but there are less obvious forms of prejudice as well. I was confronted by a different form of prejudice when someone posted this on social media "Each week, millions of upper class middle class Americans put on expensive dress clothes and load themselves into SUV's and drive past homeless shelters, orphanages, prisons, missions, and half way houses on their way to a very expensive and nice church, where somebody tells them how to be more like Jesus. That is f-ing (fully spelled out) awesome let me tell you." Two things crossed my mind as I read this, The first was the person(s) quoted in this photo were obviously prejudice against people like me who went to church. The person who wrote this, pre-judged people who go to church as: wealthy upper middle class, that their churches are expensive, we ignore the plight of the less fortunate on our way to a place where they tell us how to be more like Jesus. In other words, the person pre-judged us to be wealthy hypocrites. The second thing that went through my mind was to confront my own prejudice against this person and others like he/she who do not believe in God or who are "spiritual but not religious." My prejudice existed because I felt who was this person to take such a moral high ground? Did they even believe in God? Did they ever study the teachings of Jesus? In other words, I was scandalized that this person should be in line in front of me at the Pearly Gates.

 Two days earlier another friend posted an article about addiction and that there are now studies coming out that indicate that drugs aren't the source of addiction it's disconnection. The "tough love" we have been taught for so long by the government and by "experts" is actually more detrimental to an addict because it further disconnects them from society and I would argue from God's love. The third Step in AA is to give over to God.I often wondered with the addicts in my own life what was it that was missing from their lives that they had to fill with drugs/alcohol. So I asked one who I knew had fallen off the wagon after many years of sobriety. He said when he was younger he did it to have a good time. When he fell off the wagon this last time it was to kill the pain at the loss of his son. He also turned away from God because he could not understand why with all the shit he had pulled in his youth God was visiting his vengeance upon his 6 year old son in the form of Leukemia. No amount of persuasion even from his father who is a minister could dissuade him. His family did not abandoned him, his brother even beat the crap out of him when he found out he was using again. They surrounded him with love and light (and fists) and each in their own way showed they still cared. Eventually, he realized that his suffering was eased not by the alcohol but by sharing memories of good times with his son with other members of the family and hearing their stories. The scars were there but not the wounds. Would we be scandalized if an addict was in front of us in line at the pearly gates? "and said to them, “Whoever receives this child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me receives him who sent me. For he who is least among you all is the one who is great.” If we truly believe that all sins are forgiven upon our death then we will encounter those at the pearly gates who would have scandalized us to keep company with in life. Will you be forced to confront your prejudices from this life in the after life. "Who will be in front of you at the Pearly Gates? Will that person scandalize you?" 

Eulogy Virtues vs. Resume Virtues

Shari Young our associate minister was quoting from a book entitled "The Road to Character" in which the author talks about "Eulogy virtues vs. Resume Virtues." Resume virtues are those virtues we most often think of, the external virtues which we list on a resume. Eulogy virtues are those internal virtues we don't often think about or see but which others see in us. The author also goes on to describe that which he aspires to be, one who is governed more by the Eulogy virtues than the resume virtues. Saint Theresa of Avila referred to this as the "Upper Mansions." These mansions are the internal mansions we aspire to reach in which external laws of "should and shouldn't" are replaced with internal divine laws. The mansions in which we recognize the divine in ourselves. We aspire less to these mansions than we do to the external mansions like those featured on Celebrity Homes. We focus more on the lower mansions of "what can I take? or What's in it for me?" instead of the upper mansions of "what can I give?". With my mother's passing I thought about her Eulogy virtues, not so much the virtues expanded upon in the three eulogies given by me,  her friend form college and her brother but about those virtues which came to light before and after. One of those virtues came from a very unexpected place, a guy with whom we were acquainted whom we met up with once a year on Saint Patrick's Day at the Buena Vista. Upon hearing of her passing, he expressed his condolences to me and told me what a great lady she was. This coming from a man who only saw her maybe 5 times in his life but such was the impact she had in that brief period of time. Similarly, when I was in Australia with our favorite group BROTHER, I was sitting with them at the dinner table one evening under the stars, surrounded by nature and they raised a toast to mom. One of the band members had not seen her in 8 years since he left the band and only caught up with our goings on through facebook, the other had never met her and yet here they were proposing a toast to her memory. Such were her Eulogy virtues, that those who came into contact with her were forever impacted by simply knowing her.

Sometimes, resume virtues and reflect Eulogy virtues. People are amazed when I tell them my mother pretty much planned her own memorial service right down to having Peter Daldry sing and a piper from Prince Charles Pipe Band play at her memorial service.  Even before she went on Hospice, even before she was bed bound, when she found out her cancer had returned she began making plans for her memorial service including asking Peter to sing. Her resume virtue of being so organized reflected her Eulogy virtue of having an inner peace. Additionally, she spoke at length to me and her friends and student nurses about our futures. Her resume virtue of teaching reflecting her Eulogy virtue of caring for others and her desire that her knowledge should be passed on.

Most of the time we reflect on our resume virtues, after all these are the ones that enable us to "bring home the bacon." We are not often asked by potential employers to reflect on our eulogy virtues. On the internal virtues that could be applied. I have only had two occasions in my life in which on a professional level I have been asked about my Eulogy virtues. One school asked "What would your students say about you?" In other words what are the Eulogy virtues that came across to your students? The second is on an application I am filling out to enter into a patient advocacy certification program at my alma mater Sonoma State. In the application they ask if you are interested in a specific field of patient advocacy and why. What are those Eulogy virtues I possess which will make me a good patient advocate in this field? They are calling for both resume and eulogy virtues all in one question. My resume answer had to do with wanting to do pediatrics because of my experience as a teacher. My eulogy answer had to do with watching my nephew and his family struggle with his Leukemia and eventually, like my mother losing his struggle as well.

 To live constantly in your Eulogy virtues, and  to be aware of the divine in yourself requires a constant commitment to remaining in the moment. It is easier I think to discover your resume virtues, they are in the concrete "real world" and therefore easier to see. It is after all these virtues which bring us praise and hopefully a financial raise. Our eulogy virtues require going deep inside ourselves to discover the divine within.  We are not often praised for this and sometimes, we are in fact ridiculed or written off as "flaky" or "Living in their own little world." We live in world of "should and shouldn't" and "what's in it for me." Or as Robert Burns once wrote "What is right and what is wrong by the law?"  Those who live beyond who live within their Eulogy virtues live within a world of "What can I give?" of asking God to expand our divine selves so that we do not see all that we give to others. To live within the laws of the land but to put God's law first and never to bend God's law to "should and shouldn't." 

A Million Stars

1 million stars shine down upon me;
1 million angel shine their lights into my soul
I see the angels' wings where the sky meets the trees
 
Light give life to the sky as black as coal.
The million voices in my head telling me the 10 million things I need to do our silenced.
Under the vast emptiness of space I once again find my balance.

A toast is raised in memory and love of my mother;
Her angelic light shining from above with the others.

Facing Death in Holy Week

Our minister Father Rob gave us an assignment for this Holy Week, to be like Jesus and face our own mortality. He pointed out that often we do not confront our own death until we get closer to it. I was very close to it for a year while my mother was on Hospice. Together we faced her mortality and eventually her death. Unless you have a terminal illness however, we don’t necessarily confront our own death. Some people confront their own death as far as making out a Will and if they’re parents having the odd discussion about whom you want to raise the children in the event you both die. I’ve known some new parents that go to extremes when travelling and one parent travels with one child and another parent travels with another child on different flights just to avoid the possibility of the entire family dying.

                The truth however, is that more often than not, death doesn’t come with a warning. It’s not like on Candy Crush where your lives are counted down in cute little heart icons with numbers in them or like the commercials where they say “so and so heart attack didn’t come with a warning.” Then it shows someone doing a cross word puzzle and when the phrase “you will have a heart attack today” magically appears on the newspaper neatly fitting into the crossword rows. We’re not Jesus we can’t prophesize our own death, we can however, be like Jesus and plan for it.

                When confronted with the Passion play, we often wonder why didn’t Jesus say anything to defend himself? We become like the chief priests with the scribes and elders who mocked him and said,
“He saved others; he cannot save himself.” My answer to this thought came to me this Palm Sunday. “It would not have made a difference.” Jesus had planned for his death, had foreseen his death and yet still at the last moments he cries out “my God, my God why have you forsaken me?” He knew logically, spiritually, mentally that his death was inevitable and that it was necessary in order to save humankind. Emotionally however, you can never truly be ready for death when it comes. There were times with my mother that we felt God had forsaken us. Last year at Palm Sunday she was entering Holy Week in the Emergency Room and had become paralyzed from the waist down. We cried, we mourned the death of another bit of freedom taken away. We mourned the death of not being able to go to Easter services together as we had every year for 41 years before. She made me go anyway without her. She knew it was important to feel God’s presence with me in church. Each time something else changed I’d ask her “Is this it?”Meaning, was this the thing that was going to make her give up and die. Most of the time the answer was “no” so in November 2014 when she had me call Hospice late at night/early in the morning I asked again. Even then her answer was simply “I don’t know. I think so.” We said our goodbyes; she thanked me for being her daughter and for everything. I thanked her for being my mom. She slipped into unconsciousness and died on November 7, 2014 on her birthday. As one of her friends said “That’s so Laura.”

My mom had planned as much as she could around her death. She told me where all the important documents were, I had been paying bills and doing budget while she was still alive to answer questions thanks to Father Rob who encouraged us to do that. She and Father Rob had discussed her memorial service arrangements a few times. Even the date she died, was after the first of the month when all of her pension checks had come in so I had that income for the month. She even told me I would be getting money from one of her IRAs and not to use it to pay bills that she wanted me to take that money and go to Australia with our favorite band BROTHER on a trip they were hosting Down Under. We’re not like Jesus we don’t know how or when we will die, most of us don’t anyway. On a practical level we can be like my mother and help the ones we love by making a will, telling someone you trust where the important documents are, teaching another adult in the house how you plan your expenses, set aside money in a life insurance policy. On a spiritual side, we can be like Jesus and meditate and talk to God and not just during Holy Week. 

Sounds of Silence

The Sound of silence, for children of the 1960s it brings back memories of Simon and Garfunkel. It is used by English teachers such as I to demonstrate an oxymoron “a combination of contradictory or incongruous words” (www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/oxymoron) when teaching figurative language in Literature. As I sat tonight however, in the silence of the church prior to Ash Wednesday services it dawned on me that there really are different “sounds of silence.” How those silences affect us depends largely on the type of silences we hear.
There is the awkward silence, made infamous by talk show and game show host Craig Ferguson when he hosted The Late Late Show and offered his guests the opportunity at the end of each interview the choice to do “an awkward pause.” It was a comedic demonstration of that awkward silence that occurs when you don’t know what to say. Many of us have experienced it on first meetings with someone. Some of us experience it after we have experienced a loss and people come up to you and say “I just don’t know what to say.” Or they say nothing at all.
There is the Thundering Silence I have heard soldiers refer to. That brief split second of silence just after an explosion. The silence that precedes the chaos that inevitably follows. There is the thundering silence following the 21 gun salute at a military funeral when the echo of the last round still hangs in the air. The thundering silence on 9-11 just after the second plane hit the twin towers. That eerie silence that preceded the chaos of ashen covered people running from the neighboring buildings.
There is the deafening silence, usually experienced by parents of teenagers. The silence that follows in answer to a simple question posed by the parents such as “how was your day.” Then there is the deafening silence of someone who is angry with you and giving you “the silent treatment.” The silence designed to deliberately either force the issue or cause you to give up and flee.
There is the sorrowful silence. The silence you hear all the way in your soul. That silence you hear because someone you love is no longer there. The silence you try to fill with replays of messages left by loved ones on your voice mail. The silence you try to fill by turning the TV on even when you’re not watching just to have the sound of another person in your house.
There is restful silence. That brief reprieve from the noises that have assaulted your senses for an extended period of time. The silence you are grateful for because in part you know it will not last long.
These sounds of silence although at times short lived are usually the most easily found. Perhaps because these are the sounds of silence that find us with little effort on our part. The awkward silence finds us at first meetings or at any given time when we don’t know what to say to someone or vice versa. The Thundering silence finds us just before chaos ensues. The deafening silence is inflicted upon you by someone else as retaliation for a perceived slight. The sorrowful silence finds you after the death of a loved one. The restful silence finds you in the absence of noise.
Then there is the most allusive of all the sounds of silence, peaceful silence. The silence we all strive for and rarely find in the hustle and bustle of our daily lives. We meditate, go on retreats, pay therapists, go to workshops, and take medications all in search of this allusive peaceful silence. It is the silence that is closet to us but it is hardest for us to find. Perhaps it is so allusive because we have to actively seek out peaceful silence. We have to shut out the external world and look into what Theresa of Avilla called “our inner castle.” We have to go within ourselves to search out this peaceful silence. We have to make the time to wholeheartedly seek the peaceful silence within ourselves. This season of Lent I encourage you to zealously search for your own peaceful silence. “May the Peace of the Lord be always with you.”